Tryout
by Magic-Amethyst80
Summary: A woman with a dirty secret tries out to be the new secretary for Psych which will result in whumpage for Shawn. Posted as part of a Halloween challenge!


"Gus," Shawn glared as he approached the table, he was looking forward to the dumplings, or as the run sushi joint said, "Gyoza" he looked on as Gus guiltily put one in his mouth.

"Did you eat all the gyoza? I didn't get any?"

"You had seven out of eight pieces of the Volcano roll, and all of the Hokey Pokey Roll, I get the gyoza," Gus responded defiantly.

"Okay, but you know what that means? You finish an entree without sharing with me, we start to watch movies out of the too intense for Gus pile." said Shawn, a hint of snarkery in his voice. "Hmm, what should I watch that will frighten you and give you nightmares?"

"No Shawn, I refuse to be subjected to those movies. You know that those movies cause night terrors. Just... anything but those movies," he said quickly as he saw Shawn began to open the combination lock to the safe, which contained a pile of DVDs. "Fine! If you do that," Gus said as he went for the fridge, "I'll eat your all of your Thin Mints," he opened the green box, daring Shawn to follow through with his threat.

"Okay, Gus." Shawn said slyly, knowing the game was on. "If you choose to eat my Thin Mints and cheat me out of my annual girl scout cookies, I'll put one on that I know you won't be able to handle." "How scary Shawn?" Gus looked a tad nervous.

"This one, Oldboy is Korean and creepier than anything released in the US,"

"I'm not afraid of that Shawn, put it on," Gus said as he sat back down on the couch, half the packet of Thin Mints already consumed.

With a look of disgust, Shawn shoved the previous DVD back in the safe. "Dude you are eating too many thin mints, so I don't think I feel like that one tonight. Besides, I watched it on my iPad last Halloween. So, I need something that is scarier... perhaps some Miike, he's the scariest horror director ever! He once made something for Showtime and it was so scary that Showtime couldn't even show it."

Gus eyed him nervously as he pawed through the other DVDs, wondering what horrors Shawn would inflict upon him for eating the cookies.

"Maybe I'll put on Ichi the Killer? That one couldn't even be released uncut in England. Actually I watched it a few years ago with Mary Lighty...so I think I'll put on Audition. I haven't seen that one in a long time, and it is really scary."

"I'm leaving Shawn," said Gus as he rose from the couch, but didn't put down the empty plastic that contained the Thin Mints.

"Oh well, there is another sleeve of thin mints, and I have hidden Samoas."

Gus pointed the box at his friend,"you'll be sorry for this Shawn, those movies are totally going to give you bad nightmares."

"You are missing out on a brilliant part of horror history. When we got to Chiller Horror Convention next year, or the next time we go out with Marlowe and her friends you won't be able to follow any of the conversation."  
"No Shawn, it is past my bedtime," he yawned as he got his coat. "I'm leaving,"

"Dude think of all the Goth chicks you are going to miss out on because you couldn't make it through this movie." Shawn put a finger to his lips in thought. "Hmm, maybe I'll invite Lassie over. Tell him how much his wife will appreciate him if he watches this. Will you stay if Lassie comes?"

"No Shawn, you know I don't do Asian horror movies. You remember the last time you showed me one?'

Shawn remembered it perfectly, and grinned devilishly. "You couldn't sleep for two weeks, but I've never gotten nightmares from watching horror movies." Shawn said as he put the DVD in the player and Gus loudly closed the door.

Getting comfortable, Shawn tried to pay attention to the movie as the mandatory DVD titles played. He put on the remote attempting to fast forward them, but remembered that on a DVD player you can't fast forward the titles. With a groan, he put the remote down, and began to doze off.

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Shawn woke up in the Psych office, it was now daybreak, and the sun was frighteningly, blindingly bright. He bleeringly shifted his position on the couch when he was awakened to the sound of the door opening.

A young woman with long, dishwater blonde hair, and hazel eyes walked into the office. She was wearing red high healed pumps, a trendy dress, white with a red cherry print, a matching red cardigan sweater, and red cherry necklace which was probably bought off Etsy.

Didn't Gus close and lock the door last night before he left? Shawn hated when people walked in unannounced before they were open. Usually it was because he was still asleep.

"I'm Antigone Yamazaki." she introduced herself as she extended her hand, "My friends just call me Antee," How someone could be so bright and perky at such an early hour was incomprehensible to Shawn. He extended her hand for a handshake.

"I read in the papers that you were auditioning for a new secretary, and I would love the job," she said as she handed him a picture of herself with her acting resume typed on the back.

"Uh, when did I do that?" asked Shawn as he looked over the resume. Five years ago, before he had met Jules he thought it would be cool to hold a casting audition for their new secretary. The best employee of a fake Psychic detective agency would likely be an actress, but no one had ever responded. Not until now. Still, there was something fascinating about the woman, and for some reason he wanted to know more about her.

"Thanks, I'll call you back later today," he said waving her off. He intended to call her back later when he was feeling more human. There was just something about her, something deep about her...

A few hours later, the sun still seeming to be oddly bright, he typed into Google the first reference on her resume, a man named Dylan Smith who was said to have been her boss at Nancy's Moondust Diner in New York City. Instead of getting the usual Facebook information, the name search turned up a bunch of articles from The New York Post, the Daily News, and Fox 5 New York about a missing manager at the diner. He was last seen in Brooklyn, his family was desperate to find him. They had located some random body parts, a leg and an ear belonging to him in a garbage can at the Port Authority, which were DNA matched to him.

The second reference, Michael Goldberg, a prominent music teacher, and acting counselor had gone missing at Camp Swiss Forrest, an acting camp in rural upstate New York. The only reference on him was an article about how a leg, an ear, and an eyeball belonging to him had been found in the woods three miles from the camp.

He knew deep down that he should have immediately called Jules and Lassie, but something, he wasn't sure what it was, compelled him to dial her number.

He dialed the number, and anxiously awaited as he heard the old, analog rotary dialing tones. Soon he heard someone picking up.

"Oh hello Shawn, I've been waiting for your call. Did you know that I'm at your house, and with your best friend Gus right now," Shawn could hear Gus's screaming voice in the background, and he hung up the phone.

He was somehow now in the living room of his father's house. He was in shock at the blood splattered on the couch, the TV, and his father's fishing trophy. He saw a scalp with what looked like Gus's scalp hanging on the wall where his father had a fish mounted. Next to that, mounted on two knitting needles were a pair of eyeballs, his father's eyeballs.

He felt a bump on his head and was out before he hit the ground.

A little while later he was tied down, in his childhood room, clad in nothing but his boxer briefs. In the back of the room he could see that Antee was getting out acupuncture needles.

"Who are you? Why are you doing this?"

"Well it is complicated," she said as she got more acupuncture needles out of her rose shaped purse, as well as a picture of a guy who looked a lot like the late Marlon Brando circa 1996 in The Island of Doctor Moreau. Today was Lassie's day off, and Jules was at a conference. Maybe Dobson would figure out that something was wrong?

"My creator Dr. Jorel, loved everything about Madeline Spencer, your mother. She once profiled him, when she was young and he was in prison. After he escaped from jail he vowed that he would make a copy of her. Some day he could create a whole, entire army of clones of our mother. He had a whole island to himself."  
"Did you say 'he had a whole Island to himself?'"

"Yes, a beautiful island in the South Pacific, think Lost, Cast Away, and Gilligan's Island, but with just me, my creator, Verne Troyer, and a bunch of disillusioned PhD students who lost their funding and were hungry for science and theater arts." She changed the subject, "Did you know that your parents desperately wanted another child? You remember when you went snooping through their attic, and saw that they were paying for their attempts at in vitro fertilization?"

This was weird, how could she remember details that were from his memory? How could she remember that he found them in the attic? Maybe she had guessed. It was the most logical choice.

"She decided to freeze some of her eggs, our mother is such a brilliant woman."

Shawn interrupted her, "Our mother, do you mean that you are technically my sister?"

She didn't answer his question, she just continued to monologue in the patented monologuing style of serial killers like Yin, and countless murderers he had helped put away. "In 1992, when you were sixteen you faked your age on papers, so that you could donate sperm at a local clinic. We knew it was you. My creator was fascinated by so happy that you did that."

Shawn was all kinds of shocked, "I needed money for CD player, I was desperate," he said in horror. She didn't need to say anything.

She paced back and forth, "I was born to a surrogate in April of 1993, but the surrogate wasn't my parent. You are both my daddy, and my big brother, I just love you and could never kill you. We are going to go off to the Island where I am going to give you a crash course in genetics. You shouldn't be wasting your time as a detective, when you are a scientist at heart. You're a genius, you should be doing great things. Don't feel silly about memorizing Gus's organic chemistry book when he was in college. Put the knowledge to good use! All you need is mastery of Organic Chemistry, and some micro pipetting skills and you can be one of the greatest scientists to ever live. You and me, we'll rule the world. You know that everybody wants to. Welcome to life Shawn, even while you sleep we will find you. You better be on your best behavior!"

"You are evil, you are misquoting Tears for Fears, I'm not going to do with you to your scary evil Island. I'm a detective, not a scientist!" Shawn pleaded. How could someone be so evil? His very own offspring!

She continued on humming the song, "If you don't come voluntarily I'll just get rid of your legs, and then I'll carry you," she said as she got out some type of a string, "Oh yeah, this stuff, it is piano wire, it is good in pianos... and for slowly cutting limbs off," she grinned as she began to try to saw off his leg with piano wire.

"Please stop, please stop that hurts! You're hurting me!" The pain, it was too much for him to bare as he felt the wire getting deeper into the flesh, "I'm not James Franco in that movie where he had to saw off his arm! Stop!"

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He felt someone shaking him, he was too hot drenched in sweat, "Shawn, Shawn, look at me, and wake up," Shawn could barely comprehend what was going on.

"Don't tell me you spent the night watching movies at the office," it sounded like Jules, but he was just tired.

"Jules! I'm so happy to see you. There is this chick named Antigone, she calls herself Antee, she is a serial killer, and my sister−"

"Shawn stop, you were having a bad dream because of the crappy movies you spent the night watching." She then felt his head "You're sick, and burning up, let me take you home."

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Gus pulling up in the Blueberry then getting out of the car.

"No Jules, don't take me home, there is a killer on the loose, tell Lassie, it is already too late for Gus and my father!"

Just as he spoke he saw his father's truck pulling up.

Juliet turned to face him, exasperated. "Too late for what Shawn? I've been trying to call you all morning. You left your iPhone at my house, and the land line phone at the office was off the hook."

Gus walked in, wondering what all the yelling was about. "Juliet, I told you that he probably left his phone somewhere and shut down the computer that the Magic Jack phone is connected to. And that he has been watching movies out of the too intense for Gus pile."

Henry walked in then looked at Shawn, "you know that some of that stuff gives you nightmares. I'm not going to babysit you this time and have you staying in my home as you recover from the trauma."

"Come Shawn, I'll get you home and cool you down. I think I have some Gatoraide in the house." said Juliet, an annoyed tone in her voice as she got her keys out.

As Juliet led him away, Shawn helplessly watched as Gus began oping his box of Samoas. He could never win.


End file.
